I'm ok
by gleek06216
Summary: Christmas present for The Fluff Queen. Rachel's having a hard time getting over Finn's death.


**Hi everyone! So I've been gone for a long time and to be honest the only reason I'm back right now is my friend Julie requested this for her Christmas present so if you're happy to have me back, thank her (The Fluff Queen) and go read her amazing stories while you're at it! On other note, I have no excuses for why I've been gone so long but I am planning on trying to finish my old stories. I will probably be taking them down, editing and continuing them one at a time so if you have any requests on which one to work on first let me know and I will do my best. Thank you for reading! I have some ideas for stories and if I can find time will try to write them for all of you. I don't have a laptop at the moment though so I can promise fast updates right now. Thanks again for reading! This isn't my usual kind of story but I hope it's alright. I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.**

* * *

The key to acting and fooling everyone, even your friends, is to believe the act yourself and she did. Rachel Berry truly believed she was going to be ok when she made her way to the choir room to sing after Finn was gone. They hadn't been together for over a year and she could admit that they never had the best of relationships but she had loved him. She had never said it out loud because she didn't want to jinx it but she always thought that after she got the life experience she craved, the broadway shows, the parties and new friends and possible relationships, that she would return to Lima and he and her would finally be forever. That wasn't going to happen now and she knew that but for that one moment, singing in front of her Glee family, she felt alright with it.

That moment is what probably convinced her friends she was fine and that they didn't need to worry as much anymore. That moment is what signed her up for another few months of quiet misery.

* * *

**Back in New York 3 months later**

"Rach, you're going to make us late for work." Kurt called from the other side of her door. When he didn't get a response, he knocked on the door a little harder and yelled "Rachel Barbara Berry get your cute butt out here or we're both going to get fired"

Still no answer and now Kurt was a little worried so he opened the door and peeked inside, surprised to see it was dark. "Rach?" he walked towards her bed and went from a little worried to panic mode really quick as he flipped her lamp on to confirm and sure enough there was Rachel and she looked asleep but something was wrong. Her breathing seemed off.

He shook her and got no response so he glanced around for her phone and that's when he saw what was wrong. On the desk beside a glass of water was an empty medicine bottle sitting on top of a piece of paper and next to her phone.

He grabbed the phone and dialed 911 as he looked over the paper that appeared to be a suicide note.

_Kurt,_

_I'm sorry you had to be the one to find me this way. I want you to know it's not your fault and I'm sorry to be this selfish but I can't manage living like this anymore. I miss him everyday and it's only getting worse. I know you all thought it was getting better because that's what I wanted you to think. I thought maybe if I could convince you and San that I was alright then I would be but it didn't help. _

_I love you so much! We've went through everything together and I know that doing this, especially right now, to you makes me a horrible person. I hope one day you can forgive me and remember all our happy times._

_You're my best friend so I know that even though you're hurt and mad right now that you'll do the next few things for me._

_Tell San that I'm sorry and that she's going to hit it big one day. Her name is going to be a household name all across the world and everyone will be lining up to see her movies. Tell her I love her and her friendship is what got me through a lot of the hardships of this wonderful city._

_Tell my Dads' that I love them and that I will always be with them._

_Tell Noah that he couldn't have helped this time. He won't show it but he'll believe it was his fault that I did this. He'll think that there was someone or something out there he could have 'beat up' to make it all better but it's not true. I know you two are closer now after everything and he's going to need you now so take care of him._

_Tell Blaine that I was really looking forward to showing him New York next summer and I'm sorry I couldn't be his tour guide but that he has the next best guides in you and Santana and that he will definitely get into Nyada! He's too talented not too._

_Tell Shelby that I'm sorry we didn't have more time together and that I wish her all the luck and love in the world with Beth._

_Tell the Glee club I love them and wish them all luck in whatever the choose to do._

_And this next one may be a bit of a surprise but if you can get a hold of him...can you tell Jesse that I miss him and still wish we could have had at least one show together before this whole thing. Tell him that I'm sorry I'll miss our coffee date. (Sorry I didn't tell you I was talking to him again...I didn't think you would approve and we were just talking, he was helping me, so I didn't want to fight)_

_I love you, all of you so so much! I'm sorry again! _

_Love always, Rachel_

"911 what's you're emergency?"

* * *

A couple hours later Kurt was at the hospital surrounded by Santana, Shelby and Puck who had already been on his way to surprise the group when he got the call. Rachel's dads were on their way. Blaine was flying out the next day. The only number he hadn't called on her list was St. James.

His finger was hovering over the send button to call him on Rachel's phone when the doctor came out. He put it away and stood up quickly, as did the rest.

"Are you here for Rachel Berry?" the doctor asked them and when they nodded he continued, "Ms. Berry had a drug overdose. We've pumped her stomach and have done everything we could do for her at the moment, the rest is up to her. She's not out of the woods yet but the signs are looking good that she'll recover just fine."

Kurt let out a sigh of relief while Puck and Santana asked at the same time, "When can we see her?"

"Are any of you family?"

"All of us are family." Santana shot back, as the doctor raised an eyebrow, obviously not believing them.

"Rachel's my daughter," Shelby started and held a hand up when she saw all three of them opening their mouths to protest, "And these kids here are just as much family as I am, maybe more"

The doctor finally nodded, "One at a time and no more than five minutes at a time right now"

Shelby nodded at them, "You guys go ahead, I'm going to call Beth's babysitter, tell her I'll be a little while longer."

Kurt looked at Santana and Puck who both were obviously trying not to take off towards Rachel's room, "You guys go, I'll be there soon, I need to call St. James before I talk to Rachel or she'll get out of that bed and kick my ass." He tried to joke but it fell short. They just nodded and turned hurrying to the room, arguing about who was going to be first. He smiled a little at that before hitting the send button finally.

"Rachel, hey. What an unexpected surprise." Jesse's cheerful voice came over the phone.

"St. James." Kurt answered, not trying to hide the disdain in his voice.

"Who's this?" The cheer had fallen out of his voice, now it sounded much more cautious.

"Kurt..Kurt Hummel. I need to tell you something."

"What's wrong? Is Rachel alright?" Now he sounded worried and though Kurt couldn't understand nor forgive Jesse's actions in the past he could tell he was sincere in his concern and he softened slightly.

"No, she's not. She..." And his voice broke a little, "tried to kill herself tonight"

He didn't know what he expected but it wasn't "Where is she?"

"New York General"

"I'll be right there" And that was that, he had hung up.

"Was that Jesse?" Shelby asked from behind him.

He nodded and Shelby asked, "Why did you call him?" She didn't sound upset, just curious.

"Rachel mentioned him in her note. Apparently they've been talking again and he's been helping her with something."

"Hmm..." Was all she said to that before saying, "We should get down there before Puck and Santana do something to get us all banned from seeing Rachel."

Kurt tried to smile at that and nodded, hurrying along because he could actually see that happening.

* * *

They all got their turn to see Rachel but she wasn't conscious for any of it so all of them spent time asking her why (Santana and Puck) or just letting her know they were there (Kurt and Shelby). By the time Kurt came out of his time with Rachel, he saw Jesse hugging Shelby and clearly steering clear of the other two who were obviously unhappy by his presence.

"Can I go in?"

Kurt nodded though he wasn't sure it was a good idea. "Only for a few minutes and she's not awake so..."

Jesse just said a quick "Thanks" and hurried in.

As soon as he shut the door and saw Rachel in the hospital bed, hooked up to all those machines, he let the tears that he'd been fighting since he got the call, fall.

"Oh Rach." He whispered as he sat beside her, holding her hand gently. "Why didn't you call me? You promised if it got bad again you'd call."

* * *

_flashback a month earlier_

_"Rachel?"_

_"Hey Jesse" Rachel said quietly though he could hear that she'd been crying._

_"Are you alright?"_

_He expected her to yell at him or tell her she was fine or well anything besides the broken "No, Jesse. I'm never going to be alright again" and just like that she broke down and he had no idea what had happened to his strong, independent, firecracker Rachel but whatever it was, it seemed to have destroyed her._

_"Do you want me to come get you? Where are you?"_

_She told him her address and he took her to a little cafe around the corner. She hadn't said a word when he got there, nor had she talked when he ordered their drinks and led her to a table._

_He couldn't take it anymore and said "Talk to me Rach. I know I don't have the best track record with you but if nothing else you know I always cared about you and I promise I would do anything to help you now. Just let me know what I can do."_

_She looked at him for a long time then said something she'd not said out loud yet, "Finn's dead"_

_He hadn't kept up with anyone from New Directions, obviously and Shelby hadn't told him so it shocked him but he tried to hide it and just let her get out what she needed. _

_"It's been two months and that's the first time I've said it. I know that's bad. I've been numb for most of it. I've been going through the motions of living but that's it and today I was at home and it hit me again and I realized that I don't think I can handle it. I don't know if I even want to try."_

_"Rachel..." He started but she held her hand up to cut him off._

_"Don't worry, I'm not that selfish. I know how many people care about me and all of them have just lost Finn too. I'm just saying I don't know what I'm suppose to do. I called you because you're the only person I know who wouldn't make me feel guilty for thinking like this. I don't have to pretend with you. Even when you broke my heart sophomore year and then came back nothing ever seems to change with us. One of us does something bad to the other because we're inherently selfish when we don't watch ourselves and then the other one gets over it and we're back to being who we are. We're both very alike and so I called you."_

_"I'm glad you called but I had no idea about Finn. I've not kept in touch with anyone, as I'm sure you know, and it never got back to me. I'm really sorry. I never thought he deserved you but I know you had feelings for him and I know how much this must have hurt you. But Rachel you can't keep it all bottled up. This isn't a minor thing that you'll just get over if you don't think or talk about it. It's a big deal and a big shock. If you don't start dealing with it..."_

_"I called you." she said, cutting me off._

_"Huh?"_

_"I'm trying to deal with it, that's why I called you. I can talk to you."_

_end of flashback_

* * *

Jesse remembered that day well. They had talked a lot more that day. He knew her every fear and worry. He knew she doubted she'd ever be able to be on broadway now that Finn was gone. She didn't even seem to care much about that. He knew if it weren't for Kurt and Santana she would have tried this much sooner and he knew that he should have got her help before it came to this.

They had talked everyday on the phone after that and had met for coffee or lunch once or twice a week. They were suppose to meet tomorrow actually but it hadn't been enough and he should have realized that. He was just so happy to have her in his life again that he was afraid to push her into something she might not be ready for and possibly pushing her away and because of that fear he almost lost her for good.

"I'm so sorry Rachel. " he whispered, squeezing her hand before getting up to leave.

* * *

The next day Rachel's dads were both there as was Blaine and a few of their other gleemates, Quinn, Brittany, Sam and Tina had all came, while Artie, Mr. Schue, Mercedes and Mike were driving up so it'd be the next day at least before they got there. It'd be the first time the old gang had all been together since graduation and if it weren't for the circumstances, it would be a joyous occasion. They all caught up quietly in the waiting room while Hiram, Leroy and Shelby talked to the doctors.

Rachel had woke up and was obviously not happy about it. The doctors had told her parents that she was going to be sent to the mental ward for 72 hours on suicide watch and they would have to go from there. They were also worried that all of the people here would overwhelm Rachel and suggested that they not all go see her until after the 72 hour watch. The Glee kids were all officially on Christmas Break and between the loft, Shelby's and the hotel the Berry's were at they all found places to stay but a few of them insisted on seeing Rachel before.

* * *

When her door opened, she didn't look up. She figured it was her dads again and she couldn't face them.

"Rach"

Her head popped up. "Jesse?"

He tried to smile at her, "Hey."

She let her head fall back down now, not any happier about facing him. He had tried so hard to help her and she had let him down, possibly, most of all.

"I'm sorry" She whispered.

He came and sat on the edge of the bed, taking her hand in his, "Don't, I'm the one who's sorry. I should have got you to get more help. It's my fault."

She looked up at him again, shocked this time, "Jesse, no! It wasn't your fault at all. You helped me so much. When I was with you I actually was feeling better. It just... I mean.. When I wasn't with you, my mind turned back it seemed and no matter how I tried I just couldn't move passed it. I just wanted to stop hurting and I'm sorry. None of this was anybody's fault but my own. I was stupid."

He snorted, not meaning to but it came out, "I never thought I'd agree with that statement but yes, Rachel Berry, you were. This world would be a much darker place without you in it."

"They're sending me to the psych ward"

"I know."

"I'm afraid, Jesse. What if they can't fix me?" She had tears in her eyes again.

He wrapped his arms around her, holding her and humming for a few seconds before saying, "You're Rachel Barbara Berry. You're not broken so there is nothing for them to 'fix'. They are just going to help you remember that. You will get through this and when you are done you'll come back and me and the rest of your friends and family will get you through the rest. Just you watch, now that everyone knows these next few months will be so much better for you. I promise. I will not leave you alone again."

She nodded, leaning into him though she wasn't sure she believed him, she was glad to know he still believed in her. "I hope you're right" she whispered.

"Of course I am. Jesse St. James is never wrong" he replied with a wink as he pulled away. He saw the ghost of a smile on her face and that was enough for him to know he was right.

* * *

**3 days later at the loft**

"Are you sure a party's a good idea?" Kurt asked Santana for the millionth time.

"Her dad's okay'd it and besides it's not an actual party. We're just all going to be at the loft with food, no alcohol so it'll be fine. Relax!"

Kurt walked away to tidy the already spotless loft as he waited for his friends to all show up. Blaine, Sam, Brittany, Mercedes and Mike all stayed there which made their huge loft seem pretty tiny. Puck and Quinn had stayed with Shelby to hang out with Beth and Mr. Schue, Artie and Tina all stayed at the hotel down the street with the Berry's. All of them would be at the loft in about an hour. The Berry's and Jesse were picking up Rachel and bringing her straight here about the same time.

Kurt was shocked by how close Jesse seemed to be to Rachel again. How had he not noticed this huge addition to his best friend's life?

"San?"

"hmm?" She asked, busy cooking and prepping all the food for everyone and obviously only half listening.

"How did we not notice what was going on?"

"She didn't want us too. She's Rachel Berry, the best actress I know of. If she doesn't want you to know something's wrong, you won't know it."

He sighed, she was right but still there should have been signs right? "I guess. I just feel like we let her down, you know?"

Santana finally stopped long enough to look at him, "Kurt, we've been over this. There was nothing we could have done. She made sure we had no damn clue that there was anything wrong."

Kurt looked a little shocked at her tone, "You're angry."

"Of course I am! Aren't you? Our best friend decided it would be better to kill herself then to let us help her. What the hell is up with that?" Santana had tears in her eyes but refused to let them fall and Kurt realized that it wasn't just Rachel he should have been worried about.

"I'm sorry, San. I've been so wrapped up in myself and in Rachel I've not been there for you."

She shrugged, turning back to the cooking, "I'm fine. I won't yell at Rachel or anything, promise."

He wanted to say more but the door opened and in came Blaine and Brit from picking up Artie, Tina and Mr. Schue. "Hey guys, you're early" Kurt said, surprised.

"Sorry, we just wanted to see if we could help with anything." Blaine said, coming over and kissing Kurt quickly before turning to Santana, "I'm all yours. What do you need me to do?"

* * *

**At the hospital**

"Hey Star" Rachel heard, turning and seeing her dads and Jesse standing in the door. Hiram, the one that spoke, with his arms open. She ran into them, hugging both of her daddys at the same time.

"I'm so sorry. I will never try something like that again" She promised as she squeezed her dads. She wasn't all better, not by a long shot but she was getting there. The doctors here had helped her a lot. It had hurt so much at first but the doctors helped her understand that she had to let the pain go and the only way to do that was to acknowledge it existed instead of bottling it up.

"We're sorry too, Star. We should have realized something was wrong."

She opened her mouth to argue but Leroy cut her off saying, "We all think there are things we could have done differently but there's no use arguing about who should have done what. It's done and what's important is what we do now, right?" Everyone nodded and Leroy smiled, "Good. Now we need to get going because you have a lot of people very excited about you coming home. Ready?"

She looked nervous but nodded, saying "In a minute. Can I talk to Jesse first? It won't be long."

Her dads shared a knowing look before nodding, "Of course. We'll be at the car" and they left, taking her bag with them.

"What's up?"

"I just wanted to say thank you for being there for me this past month. I know we've not been close for a long time and that it must have been a shock, me calling out of no where and telling you all my problems. Thank you" She hugged him then.

"I'll always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere ever again. I told you." He told her before kissing the side of her head and pulling back, "Now come on. We need to go before Kurt tells Puck I kidnapped you or something and he kills me."

She rolled her eyes but she had a little smile on her face as she said, "We wouldn't want that, now would we? Let's go."

* * *

**Party**

Rachel came in the door and was surprised to see so many people there. She knew some of the glee club had come up but no one had told her that everyone had came.

"Wow, um.. hi guys" She said, not sure what to say or do really. Feeling shy in her own house. Kurt and Santana were at her side in an instant, each taking an arm and leading her into the room, while whispering reassurances in her ear.

After a few minutes she relaxed a little and fell into the old Rachel Berry roll, playing perfect host and catching up with everyone.

Jesse was leaning against a wall watching, when Puck came up to him.

"Puckerman" Jesse acknowledged, unsure of the welcome he was about to get.

"St. James." Puck replied before looking at Rachel and then back again, "Listen, I don't really like you but I've heard some of what you did for B this past month and I wanted to say thank you for taking care of her."

Shocked, Jesse just nodded, taking the and Puck was offering him, "Of course. I know none of you guys have any reason to believe this but I do care about Rachel and would do anything for her. Always."

Puck nodded, knowing the feeling even though he wasn't completely sure he trusted St. James. "Glad to hear it. That being said, if you ever hurt her again I swear no one is going to stop me from killing you this time" he warned.

Jesse nodded, fully believing him, "Noted. Don't worry I would rather lose my voice then hurt her in anyway again."

Puck seemed to accept that because he gave a little nod before turning to walk off.

A few minutes later, the spot was taken again, this time by Rachel. "Everything alright? I saw Noah over here."

Jesse smiled, "Everything's fine, don't worry."

"He didn't threaten to kill you or anything did he?"

"Um...not exactly"

"I'll go take..." She stared and he could see she was about to take off when he grabbed her hand.

"Calm down, Rach. He didn't do anything. It's fine really. He's just protective of you, that's all. That's a great thing as far as I'm concerned."

She frowned but nodded, letting it go.

"Now go on. Go talk to you're friends. I'll be here later."

She reluctantly nodded again, moving off to mingle some more.

A couple hours later, she was exhausted. She had talked to everyone, at length and was now ready to pass out. She hugged everyone, thanked them all for being there and then told her dads she was sleeping in her own bed. They looked like they wanted to argue but stopped themselves and just nodded, kissing her goodnight and promising to be back in the morning.

When she shut the door to her room, she fell onto her bed and immediately fell asleep, surprisingly.

* * *

The next morning, most of the Glee club had to head back home to their families. They all promised to keep in better touch and to visit soon. Rachel promised to call everyone within the next week or so and by noon the loft was mostly empty. Only Santana, Kurt, Blaine and Puck were there when Rachel's dads came to say they were flying back to Lima for a couple days.

"We'll be back Monday" Hiram promised, "We just have to wrap some things up at home first then we'll be here all next week." Rachel nodded, hugging them both.

"I'll be ok. I have Jesse coming later to take me to my therapy session and San and Kurt won't let me out of their sights while I'm here. Not to mention Noah checking on me every five seconds or Blaine asking if I need anything." She smiled at her friends to let them know she didn't mind, even if it was a little overwhelming.

Her dads left soon after and then Jesse came to take her to her meeting with her new doctor and then to coffee.

* * *

That was her life for the next few months. Her friends all kept their word about keeping in touch and she was hardly ever alone and this time that was ok. She learned that maybe she didn't need to fool everyone into believing she was alright. Maybe it was ok to not be for a little while and slowly with time, she actually started to feel better.

She had weekly sessions with her psychologist and she still went to coffee or lunch with Jesse once or twice a week, besides. She talked to her friends and her family and let them know when she was having a bad day and slowly the pain eased. Jesse had been right. Now that she had let people in the months were not half as miserable as the ones before. She still missed Finn terribly but instead of it hurting every time she thought of him, now she found herself remembering more of the good times and smiling instead. She even started singing again and got a lead of a small production of rent. She was going to be Maureen.

Life was turning around for the better and she was so glad that she had this second chance. She had so many friends that cared for her and though it was still too soon for her to think of a relationship, she was beginning to believe her and Jesse may have another chance when the time was right. Everything was falling into place and she knew that even though the pain would never truly be gone, she was going to be ok.

* * *

**this is the first story I've wrote for glee in over two years so I hope you all enjoyed it. I'm sorry for the sadness of it but it was what came to mind with the prompt I was given. I will write a cheery-er christmas story soon. Promise :)**


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